Monday, December 18, 2006

The Mozart Effect

I am currently in Glenview, Illinois with my family. The Christmas lights here are beautiful. This morning, in sitting with my step-dad while he is recovering from a recent surgery, I was handed the following very excellent joke, which I delight in sharing with you:

A new report now says that the Mozart effect is a fraud. For you hip urban professionals: no. Playing Mozart for your designer baby will not improve his IQ or help him get into that exclusive pre-school. He'll just have to be admitted to Harvard some other way.

Of course, we're all better off for listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. However, one wonders that if playing Mozart sonatas for little Hillary or Jason could boost their intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played in their developmental time?? (I am inclined to think that rather than simply to make your child more precocious, listening to Mozart may instill in your childhood a love of simplicity and a leaning toward dramatic flourishes).

BEETHOVEN EFFECT: Child is prone to loud outbursts followed by moments of exquisite intelligence.

BRAHMS EFFECT: the child is able to speak eloquently and will be on a new subject before you have even realized the subject is changing. However, he may be quite a while before he is ready to let go of the apron strings.

WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity. (Goes on and on!)

LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.

MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams - at great length and volume - that he's dying.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT: Child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

IVES EFFECT: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.

BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child doesn't care becaue all his playmates think he's cool.

GLASS EFFECT: Child tends to repeat himself over and over and oever and over and over and over and over and over and over.

RILEY EFFECT: Child may take forever to get to his point and will have a propensity to micromanage everything.

...... and then of course there is the Cage effect - the child says nothing at all for 4 minutes and 33 seconds. Preferred by nine out of ten classroom teachers!

I changed a bunch for those of you who may have encountered this before.

In other news: my step-dad is recovering well, Kansas and Missouri haven't changed a bit since the last time I saw them, and Paris Hilton is practically a nun.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

1 comment:

DougieB said...


that was funny, right?


(Merry Christmas!!)